


When You Find Home

by Moonscar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Assassing, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Fucked Up Morals, Guns, Hydra, Hydra Peter Parker, Killing, Memories, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sickness, Violence, Vomit, brain-washing, mostly angst, scientist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 18:23:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17513615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonscar/pseuds/Moonscar
Summary: Peter reminisces about everything that went on during his life.How his views on life have changed in between the whole mess with being a Hydra assassin, finding people who truly loved him, losing the people he cares about, learning new morals and finally,Finding a home





	When You Find Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tempestaurora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempestaurora/gifts).
  * Inspired by [you're just trying to do your best for a kid who's lost control](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785469) by [tempestaurora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempestaurora/pseuds/tempestaurora). 



> CAREFUL - SPOILERS FOR 'hydra's not a home' BY tempestaurora

Ever since Peter can remember he knew what he was for.

Killing.

To hurt and destroy and nothing more.

It wasn't something that bothered him, it was but a simple fact in life to him, something that seemed so engraved in him at a young age, he felt like he never had a choice to do otherwise. 

Well, he really didn't, but it never felt that way. Hydra was a master in making him feel like he had a choice, but always conditioning him to make the choice they wanted him to make.

But the thing with this reality is that he was made to be this way. Made to become this assassin that was amazing in all types of combat, an assassin that had enhancements that could hold up to the avengers.

That could hold up to Captain America's.

To Iran Man's suits.

Peter has killed so many people, most of them he can't remember their faces or their names. All he remembers is thinking about how fun it would be to finally get out of the compound, or how this certain person had a rather bad reason to be killed compared to another.

He didn't see people when he killed them, he saw numbers adding up.

The number of people killed adding onto his list.

He remembers thinking that maybe Jessica will be proud of him for this kill, or how he might be compensated for this kill.

He never was, but that was fine because it means he'd do better the next time.

Always trying to be better for the people running Hydra.

Being better for Jessica, because Jessica always held him at a high standard because she wanted him to be as good as her some day.

He never really did learn if he ever got better than her.

Now he never would.

~~~~Peter barely remembers the days he saw Bucky having trigger words used again him.

Sometimes he would be sparring with him and then he would snap out of this and suddenly seem so...  _different_

A kind of different that needed to be pushed away in the far back of his mind.

He mostly remembers the trigger words themselves and the once time a scientist explained that their purpose was. He had made sure to store that information in his mind, just in case the Winter Soldier went rogue or snapped.

It happens sometimes, they're always brought back to their right state of mind though.

The state of mind that serves.

The right one.

He can barely remember the first time it was used on him. Watching The Winter Soldiers eyes darken as the Russian trigger words were told to him, after he commented on how the scientist were assholes for recruiting someone so young.

He didn't know what he was talking about, he was just forgetting who he truly was.

Pete remembers taking the information Mr.Barnum gave him at face value before leaving, probably to go train, or go fill in those memory test they always gave him so he could remember and identify the faces of his targets, or at least future targets.

He remembers when those memory games were just numbers, or colors.

When they switched it to people though, the numbers didn't change much.

Numbers adding up on his kill list.

Just numbers.

He tried not to think about it to much

If he did it would compromise the mission.

Peter has a memory of when he was sick after the bite.

He remembers thinking to himself while retching into the toilet 

_I hope I can go on my first solo mission soon_

He wasn't worried about the fact that this might actually kill him, or that he might never say good bye to Jessica, or that if it was a failure they would probably kill him because he would then be useless.

Well, maybe that's a stretch.

They wouldn't throw out such a prized possession just because he wasn't enhanced in that very moment.

All he cared about was going on his first solo mission.

His first time going alone to kill someone.

The bile tasted like the soup he had eaten earlier that day.

He remembers asking one of the scientist why they had made him into a mutant, because even though he was useful, it went against what he was though his whole life.

That mutants need to be encased and held away from society, needed to be removed from this earth because they were tainting it.

Little did he know at the time that was exactly what was happening to him.

He was a prisoner, he just didn't realize.

They did say this was his home after all.

He wasn't a prisoner, this was home.

_It was home._

He remembers the scientist answering that it was none of his business.

He didn't question it after that.

He remembers feeling so much pride when he was given the suit and his new name.

So much pride in the fact he had something that was finally his.

It might not be his favorite color, and it might not be the design he would prefer for his own suit.

But he served Hydra, so he had no room to complain.

This sole thing would make him prove his worth to everyone.

This suit and name would prove that he was useful to them.

**The Black Spider**

~~~~Just a year later that usefulness was scrapped away by none other than the Avengers themselves.

All the work Hydra had done on making him perfect wiped away.

_All because of how wrecked Tony looked when he saw Peter's face._

He remembers feeling confused at that, unsure of what this meant. He was used to people begging for their lives, crying, sobbing, screaming, anger.

He's seen it all.

But the familiarity that dawned on his face had made Peter hesitate.

It was the best mistake he had ever made in his life.

Peter was right about one thing though.

His face is very expressive

He remembers when he once hesitated on killing this woman on a mission, he can't remember her name, but he can remember her face.

He doesn't remember what made him pause, it definitely wasn't the fear clearly coated on her face, or her exclaiming that she had kids. 

Peter was used to that.

Maybe it was the fact that she smelled distinctly like his memories. The things that he had always passed off as wishful thinking. But now that similar smell coated her being. It wasn't the same, bit it was familiar.

Familiar enough to make him pause.

His gun was pointed at her, but he was frozen on the spot. Jessica side eyed him for a moment, giving him this look of disappointment and worry before she pulled out her own gun in one swift, practiced motion before shooting the woman herself.

Peter blinked.

"Come on, we need to get out of here quickly, we can talk about that later" Jessica had said, this type of sisterly worry coating her tone of voice as she glanced at him, her brows slightly furrowed as she turned around for their exit, knowing that Peter would follow her.

Just as they were about to leave, Peter did something he never did anymore.

He looked back at the dead woman tied to the chair, blood dripping down her chin and onto her dress pants.

He felt something squeeze in his stomach.

He didn't like that feeling.

So he looked away from their target and quickly caught up to Jess.

Because that's all that woman is. 

_A target._

Peter shouldn't make her into anything else than that.

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't in any particular order, but there will be 3 chapters (maybe 4) of different stages and shit about when Peter is with Hydra and filler Chapters probably
> 
> I just really love this story guys, I read it 2 months ago and I'm still hooked TwT
> 
> I read like, 150,000 words in about 13 to 15 hours help me-
> 
> So now I'm making fanfiction for it! =D
> 
> Please leave a comment! I love reading at replying to them! =3


End file.
